Welcome Aboard the Hot Mess Express!

One thing I’ve learned about myself is that I’m not someone who can sit around doing nothing for long periods of time. I definitely value and enjoy my alone time, but I also need purpose, routine, and other forms of stimulation to feel balanced. Since school got out last week, I’ve noticed my depression starting to rear its ugly head again simply because there hasn’t been enough to keep my mind and heart occupied.

I went for a nice walk with a friend earlier today, and afterward I picked up the keys to the school so I can finally start going in and planning for next year. It will be a nice way to spend my days.

I’m still amazed at how perfectly God’s timing worked out in all of this. For those who don’t know, I resigned from the preschool where I had been working back in February and began subbing at one of the local elementary schools. I had subbed there before, so I already knew many of the teachers, and a few of them tipped me off that several positions were going to be opening up soon. Naturally, I jumped on the opportunity. I applied for both a first grade and third grade teaching position and prayed that one of them would work out.

Around that same time, I was offered a long term sub position at an off site location through the school district, which I happily accepted. I can’t go into much detail for privacy reasons, but I was told that I would be in charge of the instruction for two students, a kindergartner and a first grader. I was also given more details about their individual circumstances, and because of my passion for advocating for mental health, I felt strongly pulled toward the role. At the time, though, I never intended for it to turn into a full time position.

I remember my husband asking me if I would accept the job if they eventually offered me a permanent position. My immediate answer was “no,” simply because I had my heart so set on the first and third grade positions I had applied for.

And honestly, one of the biggest reasons I wanted to teach at the elementary school in the first place was because so many of my preschoolers would eventually be going there for kindergarten and I would be able to follow them. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, as lots of teachers love following their kids as they grow, but I can now admit that my heart was somewhat closed off to other possibilities because of it.

But after only a few days in the long term sub role, something began to shift in me. I quickly formed a connection with my kiddos. I found myself loving the small group and one on one setting, which reminded me so much of my first year working as an intervention specialist. I loved being able to build deeper relationships with the kids in a way that often isn’t possible in a traditional classroom setting.

And perhaps the biggest thing is being able to see God’s hand in it from day one. Back when I was subbing in the elementary school, I remember noticing one particular student and immediately feeling like he would truly thrive in a smaller, more individualized setting. Even then, I could see how overwhelming the traditional classroom environment was for him. Before I even knew this program existed, I found myself specifically praying for him. Praying that something would change and that he would finally get the support and environment he needed to truly succeed.

When I was offered the long term position, I was told that this specific student would begin receiving his instruction from me at the off site location, and I remember immediately thinking, “This has to be a God thing.” God knew exactly what this child needed long before any of us did, and deep down, I felt like this was an answered prayer unfolding right in front of me.

But if I’m being honest, there was still a part of me holding onto my original plans. In the back of my mind, I was still waiting to hear about the first and third grade positions I had applied for. So when I received a call from the special education director asking to interview me for the following year, I went into that interview telling myself that if I were offered one of the classroom positions, I would probably take it instead.

Thankfully, God had other plans.

And I just want to pause there for a second and really reflect on that. Even though I could clearly feel God’s hand in all of this, I still fought Him on it. You would think that after years of learning the hard way, I would realize that trying to wrestle with God’s plans never works out the way I think it will. But in this case, I’m incredibly grateful it didn’t.

Over the weeks that followed, God slowly began opening my eyes to what programs like this truly do for students. These are children who often struggle in traditional classroom environments, not because they aren’t capable, intelligent, or worthy, but because schools are stretched thin and simply don’t always have the time, staffing, or resources to meet every child’s individual needs the way they deserve.

I had exchanged emails with both students’ classroom teachers, and the responses I received painted a heartbreaking picture. I was told that they rarely participated in class, struggled academically, and were performing far below grade level. But when I began working with them myself, I saw something completely different.

These kids were SMART.

They responded beautifully to individualized instruction. I watched the little boy I had prayed for begin to thrive in this environment, and my other student was actually performing above grade level in certain areas. It was as if someone had finally slowed down enough to truly see them.

As a teacher, I have cried many tears over students throughout the years, and this situation was no different. I cried because I was witnessing firsthand just how much potential these children had inside of them. But I also cried because part of me couldn’t stop thinking about how unfair it felt that they hadn’t really been given the opportunity to shine before. Sometimes kids don’t need to be “fixed.” Sometimes they just need an environment where they are finally seen, understood, and given a real chance to succeed.

So when I was officially offered the position for next year, this time my answer came without hesitation, without fear, and without reservations.

It was a wholehearted YES.

Because somewhere along the way, God changed my heart.

What I once viewed as a temporary stepping stone became something so much bigger. He took my carefully crafted plans and replaced them with something I never even knew I needed. And now, looking back, I can clearly see His fingerprints all over every closed door, every delay, every unexpected turn, and every answered prayer along the way.

Next year, I’ll not only have the privilege of continuing to work with these two incredible students, but I’ll also be teaching 5th grade math, science, social studies, and ELA. And honestly, I couldn’t be more excited.

Another huge praise in all of this is that I was able to transfer my general education supplemental license over from the preschool, which means I’ll now be able to continue working toward advancing it while serving in this role. Yet another reminder that when God calls you somewhere, He also provides the way for you to get there.

I don’t have everything figured out. I still have moments where anxiety creeps in and I question myself. But one thing I do know is this:

This is where God wants me.

And for the first time in a long time, instead of fighting His plan, I’m simply grateful to walk in it.